I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I FOUND THE LEGS
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
