Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Holy sore nipples Batman
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
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