I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
