Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
