M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
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