Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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