We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
