I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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