you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
