he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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