my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
