Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I looked at my own cervix.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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