Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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