Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I feel like a drive thru vagina
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
