I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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