sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
