Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
