She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize