I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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