I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
