does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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