Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
