Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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