Say something about gay babies.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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