I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
