I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Randomize