She's like a pop up book from hell.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
