You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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