I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
