I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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