Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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