I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
