Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
