Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
