Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I skipped work to stalk him.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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