What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
