I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
