Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
