we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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