I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
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