and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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