her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Randomize
