I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
