So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
