There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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