she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
