I have demons in me.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
