Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
the condom got lost in my hair
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
