he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
