Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
