Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize