He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
