Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Mom said you looked used
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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