Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
