Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Randomize
