Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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