He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
